By Erica Holbrook
It was Mothers Day. What was supposed to be a day celebrating me as a mom, was anything but. In a blacked out, drunken rage, I cussed out my 16 year old daughter, hurling horrific insults that would scar her forever. I wasn’t done. Next, I set my sights on my husband. I was so aggressive and violent in my language and behavior, that he was going to call the cops to take me away. Somehow they convinced me, this out of control monster, to finally go to bed.
I woke at 3:00 AM in sheer panic having somehow realized that I had done something so damning I could lose it all. This wasn’t my first time, but it was my worst time. My body was convulsing, I was trembling uncontrollably, I was so scared. The only thing I could think of doing was escaping. Still drunk, I grabbed the keys to my car and drove to the marina to our boat. I thought at least there I would be safe and feel better. Although I escaped my house, I couldn’t escape from myself. I anguished, tossed and turned, hit myself, threw-up, cried uncontrollably and thought of ways I could end my misery. Even writing this now, I feel my heart pounding as tears well up.
How could I do this to the people I love most, especially my one and only child, my daughter? What kind of disgusting, low life does this? Who in the world with seemingly everything in life, be so ungrateful, angry and unhappy? Well, ME! My shame was enormous. Not only was it inside, I could barely look at anyone and hung my head down. I hated myself so much, but I loved my daughter and husband more. And if I wanted them in my life anymore, I had to learn to love myself again.
I had been on psychiatric meds most of my adult life and had sought counseling over decades. So, the journey towards mental health was not foreign to me. But this time it was different. I entered an Integrative “Rehab” Program. That name alone was scary to me. It felt like confirming the broken, vile monster I’d become and needed to be locked away.
Yet, going to Solstice was far from anything I conjured in my head. During my time at the program I learned that I had lost myself along the way, playing dynamic roles such as a single, career blazer, to a wife, and eventually to being a mom. Where did I fit? What did I want to do? To be? Who was I? What was my purpose? I knew I was more than just my daughter’s mom and my husband's wife. And that was part of what fuelled my anger, resentment and unhappiness. I couldn't possibly love and nurture others while having disdain for myself and losing my identity.
A great tool I learned at Solstice was to have an action plan. I thought of things that made me happy and purposeful and acted on them. I am creative and love helping others. So full circle, I am back at Solstice. But this time it's different. I’ve been given a wonderful opportunity to share my stories of being a mom, a wife and everything in between. Life today is complicated and we all need to know we are not alone, having similar struggles and victories. I can’t wait to start this new journey and want you to come along with me. I hope to help and inspire you, that you too, can have a breakthrough and it is beautiful!
